Socks and Marriage. Two topics that don’t seem to have anything in common, right? Well, they absolutely do if you’re in my house, and it has to do with a recent relationship issue in my marriage. But before I get into more on that, according to John and Julie Gottman, leading researchers and clinicians in the area of marriage and relationships, 69 % of conflict in relationships is surrounding unresolvable issues. Before you get discouraged, they go on to point out that what matters is not solving the issues, but the affect in which the dialogue happens surrounding the issues. The Gottman’s state: “The goal [is]…. to establish a dialogue with the perpetual problem that communicated acceptance of the partner, humor, affection, even amusement, and active coping with the unresolvable problem rather than the condition of “gridlock” (2016, p. 27).
So, back to the socks. My husband and I have had our fair share of unresolvable issues, and although the typical stressors of finances and communication are relevant for us, sometimes the small daily stressors of housework and clutter are the issues that cause the most conflict. Case in point: my husband and I have differing opinions on socks. He likes socks to match and be folded a certain way, thriving in an environment of order. And me? Well, my sock drawer consists of many mismatched pairs that have no rhyme or reason when they go on my feet. To me, my time is better spent elsewhere than trying to hunt down the missing sock or fold them into pairs. Throw into the mix three busy kids and two poodles who like to eat socks, and it was becoming a dire sock desert in our house. Most everything ‘sparks joy’ to me, so de-cluttering is not easy. I see potential in side of the road “freebies”, natural items found on my walk home from work, and the joy in reuniting the lost sock with its sole-mate.
My husband and I sat down one night to connect once the kids were in bed, and he brought up his frustration with the sock situation. My default is to go to defensiveness, which is one of the worst responses in a relationship and leads to gridlock surrounding the issue. What has been a game-changer for our marriage is to try to view the issues from the other’s perspective. When I approached the conversation from this angle, I was able to see the frustration the chaos of the socks in our house had been causing him. Active coping surrounding this issue looked like me listening to his perspective and engaging in dialogue about how to continue to function in a way that both our needs could be met. We ended up buying 30 pairs of the same socks, tossing what was left of the holey mismatched socks in our drawers, and distributing the same pairs to each member of the family (surprisingly a Men's 7-10 athletic sock fits all 5 of us!). Now we all wear the same socks, there is no possibility of mismatching, and I don’t have to waste time sorting or finding lost pairs. Sure, I no longer get a thrill over the reunification of sock-mates, but it was a small price to pay in exchange for growth and understanding with my husband.
If you find yourself struggling with communication in relationships, you are not alone. In fact, it’s a guarantee that every relationship will experience some form of conflict. But remember that 69% of conflict in relationships is unresolvable… it’s not so much about solving the issue, but rather focusing on what’s underneath the issues from your partners perspective. Remember what it means to be the listener. You don't react to what you're hearing. Just keep breathing, postpone your own agenda, and concentrate on your partner." - Dr. John Gottman
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). Gottman method couple therapy In Clinical handbook of couple therapy (p. 27). The Guilford Press.
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